Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages



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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling rubbish Goop merchandise for years – gadgets which have been confirmed a number of instances to be a sham at finest, and doubtlessly life-threatening of their unhealthy pseudoscience at worst. However her newest endeavor, Goop candles that odor like her former A-list vagina, have added a brand new deal with for individuals dumb sufficient to purchase it – the candles are giving individuals herpes of their nostril.

Paltrow, maybe finest identified for enjoying Robert Downey Jr.’s love curiosity, Pepper Potts, within the Iron Man movies, has fallen to the degrees of midnight pitchman over the previous few years, and for some motive thought that promoting candles scented particularly like her putrid pussy could be scorching sellers. Considerably confusingly, she seems to be proper, because the candles are promoting, however as they’re made out of the “pure juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they odor like her vagina, and are additionally inflicting individuals who burn the candle too lengthy to contract herpes.

“I first observed that I had a bizarre bump on the skin of my nostril,” stated Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent round $2,000 on a number of a whole bunch of Paltrow’s candles. “I assumed it was a pimple. It occurs. After it received extreme, and I began to really feel the bumps in my nostril, I went to the physician. A take a look at confirmed it was nostril herpes. I didn’t even comprehend it was potential!”

“I solely burned considered one of her candles for a really brief time,” stated Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I received it as a gag present from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an contaminated vagina. I used to be not a fan. I grew to become much less of a fan when it grew to become clear that I used to be getting nostril herpes. It’s massively embarrassing.”

A number of individuals say they’ve had related experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at the very least one of many circumstances in hopes of a class-action go well with. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina couldn’t be reached for remark.

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